The best thing about driving kids to countless sports practices and tournaments is time alone with each of them, especially right now. Amidst the ongoing pandemic, it is one of the few things that allows a brief sense of normalcy and offers an opportunity to support and connect with our kids in a way that they, and we, desperately need. Recently, while driving my nearly 14 year old to a lacrosse tournament, he asked if I had any earbuds in the car. Although I was unsure if he would agree, instead preferring to be alone in his own mind, I told him we could listen to whatever he wanted. He commented that his favorite rapper’s new album had “just dropped” and it would be his last since he passed away in December 2019. As he loaded the album, I was curious how Juice WRLD had died and asked my son who then shared with me a few details of what he knew of that day in the Chicago airport. ‘Juice’ was only 21 years old.
It is important to note, here, that my initial offer to my son was extended without having any idea to what my son intended to listen. Whether or not we care for our teen’s particular taste in pop culture, be it music, movies, books, haircuts, etc., if it matters to them, that is reason enough to explore and see where their head and heart currently stand. Commenting negatively when your teen shares an interest is an impediment to connection and will only deter them from sharing in the future, perhaps on more important topics, for fear of being judged and not accepted. We must challenge ourselves to express genuine curiosity, looking below the surface level of various media to find the message to which our teens are subscribing and the value they are attaching to it at this time in their lives. While there may be need for course correction, better to have that opportunity early by knowing in what direction they are heading.
Having been anxiously awaiting the album, my son explained it was mix of old and new songs and included several “collabs” (for those from my generation and older, that’s slang for collaborations with other artists). As we listened, I focused on the creative, raw lyrics. In sometimes melancholy melodies, Juice lays bare his struggles with anxiety and substance abuse, often mentioning codeine, and also expresses spirituality and periodic optimism. Yes, there is some swearing and questionable content, but mostly Juice is impressive with his use of metaphors to share his story. I commented to my son how heavy the lyrics landed and that it was sad that such an incredibly gifted and talented artist was so troubled and now gone. This acknowledgement opened a door I didn’t expect. My son began talking about how Juice’s death hit kids his age hard because he really connected with young people. Specifically, he said Juice “spoke from the heart.” It didn’t matter if Juice and my son and countless other kids had the same or different background. The connection was in the expression of powerful, genuine feelings.
As my son shared his thoughts, I was instantly grateful to have this glimpse into his teenage angst and to remind me of those years. No matter how global and broad minded we raise our kids, they are still kids, and their worlds are much more narrowly centered on their nuclear lives. I commented that Juice’s impact on youth, in life and in death, reminded me of how a lot of us felt after the deaths of Tupac and Biggie. My son nodded. Shortly after, he drifted off to sleep for much of the remainder of the ride. While he napped, one of the album interludes included someone drawing a comparison between Juice’s impact on a generation to that of Pac and Biggie. I smiled at the validation of the parallel and connected even more to my son’s deep feelings about the loss of this talented, young artist who was and is a force for his generation.
The key phrase in the last sentence is “my son’s deep feelings”. He shared something that he was not told to do or feel or think or believe, but his own feelings based on his own thoughts, and potentially influenced by his friends as they processed this loss. As parents, we can understandably find ourselves spending a lot of time teaching our kids our thoughts and beliefs in the name of right and wrong. We must also be mindful to give them space to form and experience their own reality and to hold space for them to share it with us. While they may not accept each opportunity we offer, an intentional effort to make that space available will increase our chances of truly connecting with our teens. In this case, an otherwise routine car ride turned into one of my favorite memories of my middle child’s teen life, simply because I held that space. And because I also love rap music. ; )
Check out “Legends Never Die” by Juice WRLD. It debuted at Number 1 on the charts.
Holly S. Stofa
Camo and Pearls 