Blue Eyeliner

Sometime during the summer between finishing middle school and beginning high school, I had 12 inches of my long blonde hair cut off and started wearing make up. I don’t recall a specific conversation with my mom about allowing me to wear makeup or whether there were any rules. My mom had always been a “Cover Girl” in that she looked lovely with simple drug store cosmetics. Whether she gave me money or purchased the makeup for me, I followed suit. She says I probably did it on my own and refers to the difference between my 8th and 9th grade school pictures as transformational, from tomboy (or ugly duckling) to swan. She never actually called me ugly, but the metaphor applied.

I remember vividly the excitement of being a freshman, riding the field hockey team bus, and trying to figure out my identity. While I was struggling to develop self-confidence, as many 13 year olds do, I was full of hope. In beginning to experiment with makeup, one of my primary choices was blue eyeliner. Cobalt blue with matching mascara. I loved the way the vibrant color lit up my face. I wondered why anyone would ever choose black or brown eye makeup when there was cobalt blue. Something so simple made me feel so alive and comfortable in my own skin.

Over the years, as I changed and grew, my self-confidence was based heavily on being an athlete and I no longer associated any portion of my identity with blue eyeliner. I tried different colors and often wore the standard brown and sometimes dramatic black that most people sported. How I felt about who I was had little to do with makeup. It was now part of my daily routine and neither represented change nor required focus. I stuck with over-the-counter cosmetics, never interested in high dollar makeup, preferring to keep my extra cash for more practical and necessary things. 

Multiple decades and life changes later, while shopping for a replacement cosmetic item of some sort, I noticed blue eyeliner on the rack. I smiled, immediately remembering a different time. It sparked in me a dormant but fresh feeling of hope and transformation. I felt inspired knowing that blue eyeliner still existed and might represent a step in someone else’s journey, as might green or purple or black. How cool that today’s young people had the same choice I did, so many years ago, as they pursued their own self-discovery. I purchased whatever item had brought me to the store and left.

I later found myself contemplating why it had not crossed my mind to pick up a blue eyeliner pencil for myself. I reasoned that it was, of course, because grown women do not wear bright blue eyeliner, unless they are Lady Gaga or Katy Perry, or going out for a special occasion. Instantly, without a second to control my own thoughts, I retorted, “Says who?” I engaged in an internal debate regarding having allowed myself to become so confined to societal norms that even a makeup choice seemed bold. Ultimately, having reminded myself that I am a grown ass woman, I went back to the store and bought blue eyeliner. I felt excited to try it again, just as I had so many years earlier. Such a small act took me back to a time where I felt very much in touch with myself. Uninhibited and full of hope.

If you see me today, I will likely be wearing blue eyeliner, to work, to the store, to watch kids’ sports. I feel happy literally every time I apply this tiny element. It allows me to approach the day with hope and inspiration for what is to come and what I can achieve. Each of us has multiple small (or big) things that represent such a transformational time in our lives. I challenge you to give some thought to and consider whether you can take a step to inspire yourself by answering the question…

What is your blue eyeliner?

Holly S. Stofa